Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
