Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
