So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize