I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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