I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
