So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
