i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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