When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
