I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Your cock deserves a montage
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
