Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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