my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
