You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
