Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
