I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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