Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
