Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
