apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
