this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
