You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
