marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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