I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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