He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
