I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
