Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She's the barista slut.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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