you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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