Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
this will be a night to untag.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize