Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
