btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
