I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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