I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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