i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
