The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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