i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
