I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize