I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
