I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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