she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
