rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
