He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
