No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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