Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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