My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize