There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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