where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
