My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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