The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
