You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
