i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
