Your mouth is God's brothel.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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