I showed him my bush... on skype.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
