I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
