You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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