I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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