In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
