It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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