Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
