i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
