you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize