I skipped work to stalk him.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
