he told me I talked like a deaf person
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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