Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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