I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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