All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize