wrigley field is MILF paradise
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
