We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
