Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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